Starting Over

At some point in life, I think everyone realizes they aren't where they meant to be. For me, that was in a loveless, unfulfilled marriage. I know what happened so I don't need to explore it. I just need to get through it.

Today is Day 5 living at my mom's. Levi and I moved into the basement yesterday. One of the hardest parts of this whole process has been moving from a beautiful two bedroom house which I just finished into the wood panel, concrete floor of my mom's basement. I think, however, it's harder for him to live in the house he built for me. I really don't like to think about that.We're going back to the house to get the rest of me & Levi's things. I want to try and check out emotionally for that 30 minutes. I'll deal with it later.

I never expected to be married and divorced with a baby by 20. It all just happened so fast and there was no slowing down. But once I finally did I knew I made a big mistake. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life the way I had lived the last two years. I know there are men out there who clean up after themselves. Some of them even cook. I want to find one of them. I was always in such a hurry as a kid. I never thought if I could just wait I would give the perfect man time to find me. But now I am definitely not in any hurry, and that failed marriage taught me a huge lesson about rushing into things. I think I'll take a break, I'm thinking like five years. Levi will be in school, I will hopefully be working again. I can make a life for us, then start our life with someone else if he's there. If not, that's fine. Levi is the only man I really need. And my daddy.

Having a baby puts everything in perspective. I want to surround him with quality people who he can learn from. I want him to have positive role models. I want him to know how to treat a lady. I want him to know true love and understand how a positive relationship works. I want him to know his self-worth and the worth of other people.

It'll be hard not to have that romantic love, but when I think about it, I really haven't had it for a year or so anyway. I've basically been a single mom since Levi was born. I can do this.