Michael asked me to slow down the process. Out of respect for him, I did, and now it seems to be going nowhere. I know I need to just serve the papers, but I still feel bad for hurting him. I always have. I always wanted to make it work. Now he's acting like he understands and wants to try too. But it's too little too late. I just don't have the heart to tell him. He did this when we initially broke up a year ago and I wished more than once that I had stayed away. He hadn't changed then and he won't change now. He just bullshitted me because he didn't want me to be with anyone else, not necessarily because he wanted to be with me. I just need to take my money to the lawyer and it's done.
I have lost sleep. I've been lonely and wary of the future. I've been scared and unsure and horny and frustrated and confused. I've wondered why I'm doing this to myself, my son. I've thought about giving in and going back to what is familiar and comfortable and easy. But if I learned anything from high school, it was in marching band. In order to achieve Great, you have to be willing to let go of Good.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Today's Visit
Michael came to visit Levi this morning for a couple hours. He was calm, finally, so we could talk a little bit. He still didn't do great with Levi, he tried playing with him but wasn't as involved as he should be to keep Levi from crying. So of course he cried almost the whole time.
But we got to talk a little about what we want as far as Michael's visits with Levi. I told him that as Levi gets older he'll be able to spend more time and have him overnight. It was nice to finally agree on something. Michael said he could pick him up after work every other Saturday morning and spend a day with him, bring him home for the night, then take him Sunday afternoon. He's moving to first shift next week and we agreed he could have Levi for one evening a week, which sounds like it will be Thursday.
After that nice calm discussion he started talking about child support, which never goes well, and that he wants to claim Levi on his taxes as long as he's paying child support and give me a percentage of his tax return. I'm not sure how to feel about that, I always thought we would just go every other year. We didn't really reach a conclusion to that conversation. I'm not budging on child support or custody though.
Levi has been an angel today except when Michael was here, then he cried and cried. I was trying not to intervene so Michael could get practice with him crying but I could only take it for so long. I asked if he wanted to change Levi's diaper or clothes and he said no. So I hope he's ready. He's taking Levi for a few hours on Sunday after G&G's going away lunch. He said his dad and Denise will be there to help, but really that's not much comfort to me.
But we got to talk a little about what we want as far as Michael's visits with Levi. I told him that as Levi gets older he'll be able to spend more time and have him overnight. It was nice to finally agree on something. Michael said he could pick him up after work every other Saturday morning and spend a day with him, bring him home for the night, then take him Sunday afternoon. He's moving to first shift next week and we agreed he could have Levi for one evening a week, which sounds like it will be Thursday.
After that nice calm discussion he started talking about child support, which never goes well, and that he wants to claim Levi on his taxes as long as he's paying child support and give me a percentage of his tax return. I'm not sure how to feel about that, I always thought we would just go every other year. We didn't really reach a conclusion to that conversation. I'm not budging on child support or custody though.
Levi has been an angel today except when Michael was here, then he cried and cried. I was trying not to intervene so Michael could get practice with him crying but I could only take it for so long. I asked if he wanted to change Levi's diaper or clothes and he said no. So I hope he's ready. He's taking Levi for a few hours on Sunday after G&G's going away lunch. He said his dad and Denise will be there to help, but really that's not much comfort to me.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Legal Shit
This is getting ugly fast. I was hoping we could both agree on what is best for Levi, but apparently not. I went to the lawyer today and we discussed child support, custody, visitation rights etc. He told me to talk to Michael about what arrangements he wants for visiting Levi. He advised that since Levi is breastfeeding and is an infant, Michael should see him more frequently for shorter times so that we don't interrupt his eating habits. Michael doesn't seem to understand that and wants him for whole weekends. He wants to switch Levi to formula for this reason, and doesn't believe that breastmilk is much better than formula.
I don't want Michael to have him over the weekend for a variety of reasons, including the formula dilemma. I have a lot of concerns with Michael's ability to cope with Levi crying. Whenever Levi would cry, Michael would hand him off to me. If Levi was crying too much, Michael would go to the garage to get away from it. I just don't see how these past experiences qualify Michael to care for Levi for an extended period of time. Michael has also changed just one diaper and has never changed Levi's clothes. He believes that every time Levi cries, it's because he's hungry and underfed.
Michael also accused me of not feeding Levi enough. He said that he, his mom, and his grandma all think Levi is too small. Levi is growing on track with other babies, he just started small. He even said he wanted to take Levi to another doctor for a second opinion. It sounds like he's trying to find some way to say I'm not a good parent. His mom and grandma would not have said that if we weren't going through this separation.
There's a whole lot going on and I can't wait for it to be over. I hoped we could resolve everything fairly quickly with minimal damage, but it doesn't sound like it now.
I don't want Michael to have him over the weekend for a variety of reasons, including the formula dilemma. I have a lot of concerns with Michael's ability to cope with Levi crying. Whenever Levi would cry, Michael would hand him off to me. If Levi was crying too much, Michael would go to the garage to get away from it. I just don't see how these past experiences qualify Michael to care for Levi for an extended period of time. Michael has also changed just one diaper and has never changed Levi's clothes. He believes that every time Levi cries, it's because he's hungry and underfed.
Michael also accused me of not feeding Levi enough. He said that he, his mom, and his grandma all think Levi is too small. Levi is growing on track with other babies, he just started small. He even said he wanted to take Levi to another doctor for a second opinion. It sounds like he's trying to find some way to say I'm not a good parent. His mom and grandma would not have said that if we weren't going through this separation.
There's a whole lot going on and I can't wait for it to be over. I hoped we could resolve everything fairly quickly with minimal damage, but it doesn't sound like it now.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Starting Over
At some point in life, I think everyone realizes they aren't where they meant to be. For me, that was in a loveless, unfulfilled marriage. I know what happened so I don't need to explore it. I just need to get through it.
Today is Day 5 living at my mom's. Levi and I moved into the basement yesterday. One of the hardest parts of this whole process has been moving from a beautiful two bedroom house which I just finished into the wood panel, concrete floor of my mom's basement. I think, however, it's harder for him to live in the house he built for me. I really don't like to think about that.We're going back to the house to get the rest of me & Levi's things. I want to try and check out emotionally for that 30 minutes. I'll deal with it later.
I never expected to be married and divorced with a baby by 20. It all just happened so fast and there was no slowing down. But once I finally did I knew I made a big mistake. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life the way I had lived the last two years. I know there are men out there who clean up after themselves. Some of them even cook. I want to find one of them. I was always in such a hurry as a kid. I never thought if I could just wait I would give the perfect man time to find me. But now I am definitely not in any hurry, and that failed marriage taught me a huge lesson about rushing into things. I think I'll take a break, I'm thinking like five years. Levi will be in school, I will hopefully be working again. I can make a life for us, then start our life with someone else if he's there. If not, that's fine. Levi is the only man I really need. And my daddy.
Having a baby puts everything in perspective. I want to surround him with quality people who he can learn from. I want him to have positive role models. I want him to know how to treat a lady. I want him to know true love and understand how a positive relationship works. I want him to know his self-worth and the worth of other people.
It'll be hard not to have that romantic love, but when I think about it, I really haven't had it for a year or so anyway. I've basically been a single mom since Levi was born. I can do this.
Today is Day 5 living at my mom's. Levi and I moved into the basement yesterday. One of the hardest parts of this whole process has been moving from a beautiful two bedroom house which I just finished into the wood panel, concrete floor of my mom's basement. I think, however, it's harder for him to live in the house he built for me. I really don't like to think about that.We're going back to the house to get the rest of me & Levi's things. I want to try and check out emotionally for that 30 minutes. I'll deal with it later.
I never expected to be married and divorced with a baby by 20. It all just happened so fast and there was no slowing down. But once I finally did I knew I made a big mistake. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life the way I had lived the last two years. I know there are men out there who clean up after themselves. Some of them even cook. I want to find one of them. I was always in such a hurry as a kid. I never thought if I could just wait I would give the perfect man time to find me. But now I am definitely not in any hurry, and that failed marriage taught me a huge lesson about rushing into things. I think I'll take a break, I'm thinking like five years. Levi will be in school, I will hopefully be working again. I can make a life for us, then start our life with someone else if he's there. If not, that's fine. Levi is the only man I really need. And my daddy.
Having a baby puts everything in perspective. I want to surround him with quality people who he can learn from. I want him to have positive role models. I want him to know how to treat a lady. I want him to know true love and understand how a positive relationship works. I want him to know his self-worth and the worth of other people.
It'll be hard not to have that romantic love, but when I think about it, I really haven't had it for a year or so anyway. I've basically been a single mom since Levi was born. I can do this.
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